


Kiss of last resort

by Pennyplainknits



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Multi, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-01-17
Updated: 2010-01-17
Packaged: 2017-10-06 09:26:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 633
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/52151
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pennyplainknits/pseuds/Pennyplainknits





	Kiss of last resort

Rodney's going to propose to Keller.

John can tell, he's seen the signs before, with Katie. He's going to propose, and John thinks it might just break him, just a little bit.

He tries to tell himself that if he truly thought Rodney would be happy, then he wouldn't be so upset. That he's a big enough person, despite his hopeless infatuation, to wish the man he's half-in love with well.

Its, just, she's not _right_. Not for him. She wants the kinder, gentler McKay, but that's a McKay without edges, without spark. It's not _Rodney_. And Rodney, he tries. Holds his sarcastic tongue, suppresses his rolled eyes, retreats to babble or monosyllables rather than unleash a full-on Rodney rant. Even, and most painful of all, curbs his intellect. For all that she's supposedly some freaky Dougie Howser clone, she just can't keep up. John remembers the sharp stab of triumph the day she totally failed to grasp Prime/not Prime past about 181. Still, Rodney keeps trying, drawing further and further in, this whole, wonderful, expanding galaxy of a man cut down into a shoddy copy, as much like the real him as a child's drawing.

But, somewhere along the line Rodney got to believing people don't want the real him, and so John knows one day soon he'll turn up with a ring, and she'll say yes, and his stellar friend will be gone for good.

 

It happens sooner than he thought. Rodney's a week back from earth when he knocks on John's door, the look on his face a mixture of scared and determined.

"Hey buddy," John says, easily. "What's up?"

"I, um," Rodney looks around the room, picks up a candle, and puts it down, crosses over to the window and stares out at the ocean, then wanders back to the chair John's sitting in. "I, on Earth. I bought a ring."

"A ring?" John says, feeling his stomach plummet.

"Yes, I'm going to, um, to ask Jennifer to be my, um, wife." He folds his arms, and tilts his chin in the old familiar way, and it just reminds John of one more thing Rodney suppresses around her.

"Oh," is all he can manage.

"This is where you congratulate me John."

"I, I can't," John says, suddenly unable to lie.

"What? Why? Are you that pathetically out of touch with normal feelings you can't be happy for me? Are you jealous? Or is it just that unthinkable anyone would want me?" Rodney hunches his shoulders, collapsing in on himself even more.

And that's wrong, John thinks. Rodney should never look that small.

"No," John protests, "it's just,"

"Look," Rodney says, determined, "I know I'm difficult, and I'm lucky that someone as sweet and kind as Jennifer wants anything to do with me, so I'm trying, really trying, to be a better person. And," he adds, despair shading his voice, "I don't want to die alone."

John snaps. Takes Rodney's face in both hands, and just kisses him. Puts everything he wants to say into the kiss, in the press of his lips and the slide of his tongue. Says, _you're not alone_, and _she makes you small_ and _I loved you before, just as you are_ and _five damn years_ and _ it wasn't her you called for_. Kisses him with longing, and passion, and despair, and desperation, because Rodney is his, has always been his, a whole starfield to discover.

 

Except that Rodney's lips are slack, and his hands hang by his side, and he's not kissing back. As John pulls away he sees unreadable emotions flitting across Rodney's face. Then Rodney gets to his feet, stalks to the door, and goes through it without saying a word.

John collapses back into his chair, and knows he's lost.


End file.
